I miss you. Today I was missing our weekly Saturday morning phone conversations... the ones when I would roll out of bed and call you immediately because I knew you'd have been up for nearly 3 hours and ready to take Grandma out to breakfast. You'd tease and say that since she'd been a good wife that week, you'd splurge and reward her with coffee and a roll from McDonalds. We would laugh and you'd talk about the weather or how your garden was doing. Or... how Grandma had been listening to Joyce Meyer too much and had gotten caught up in the feminist movement and you needed to take her down a peg or two (lol) =]. You'd always take time to ask me how my car was running and nearly every time you asked about my love life.
I miss your simple way of looking at everything. It was simple in that charming way. You were a common man, but you had an incredibly uncommon way of looking at life and caring for others. Even if someone had upset you, you would still give them the shirt off your own back when they were in need.
I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. Usually, I would tell you first, and you'd say "You too dear!" But one day just a few years ago, you finally told me you loved me too. I was so excited! I knew you weren't one to express your emotions too much, and to me this moment meant the world! Thank you for saying that. Thank you for telling me you love me.
Miss you. See you soon. I love you.
Nischelle
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
remember
"Remember your first Love"
re·mem·ber/riˈmembər/
Verb:
Be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or experienced in the past).
the Light. the Hope. once poured into every part. dispelling Darkness. it's those little points of light that work in and bring relief. rest. relief and rest from what some call the dark night of the soul.
re·mem·ber/riˈmembər/
Verb:
Be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or experienced in the past).
the Light. the Hope. once poured into every part. dispelling Darkness. it's those little points of light that work in and bring relief. rest. relief and rest from what some call the dark night of the soul.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
sunset
One of the more glorious sights during my getaway weekend
to Pensacola Beach last week. The sky was so many shades of
lavendar, pink, bright yellow and orange.
So amazingly beautiful.
to Pensacola Beach last week. The sky was so many shades of
lavendar, pink, bright yellow and orange.
So amazingly beautiful.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
when she smiles
The worst pain for a girl is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling and sleeps, just so she doesn't have to think about it.
When she throws away the key to her heart, just so absolutely noone can come again, find it, and break her heart all over again.
The worst fear for a girl is when she hears all those words she heard the last friend say... she hears the promises that he will always be there for her, he'll cherish her heart and treat her the way she should be treated... then cautiously, carefully she trusts ... and yet again he does the same thing the others did.... leaves when it gets just too complicated, requires too much of him and asks too much.
The girl doesn't want him to have all the answers, she doesn't want him to "complete her". She just wants him to be the one who keeps his words. the words she cherished when he said he was cherishing her heart. She just wants him to sit beside her as she cries and say again "we will work through this together"
The worst pain for a girl is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling.
When she throws away the key to her heart, just so absolutely noone can come again, find it, and break her heart all over again.
The worst fear for a girl is when she hears all those words she heard the last friend say... she hears the promises that he will always be there for her, he'll cherish her heart and treat her the way she should be treated... then cautiously, carefully she trusts ... and yet again he does the same thing the others did.... leaves when it gets just too complicated, requires too much of him and asks too much.
The girl doesn't want him to have all the answers, she doesn't want him to "complete her". She just wants him to be the one who keeps his words. the words she cherished when he said he was cherishing her heart. She just wants him to sit beside her as she cries and say again "we will work through this together"
The worst pain for a girl is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
today we said goodbye
4/28/12 :: 5:05am
we all stood there around your bed, crying... holding your hands, touching your arm and telling you that it's okay to leave. that we'll see you again soon. Nicole stood next to you with her hand on your heart, Grandma kept kissing you and telling you she loves you. Uncle Kelly was holding your head. Uncle Bruce asked Jesus to come and get you. Aunt Rebecca assured you that it was okay to let go. Dad.... Dad just kept crying and telling you that we'd see you soon. Alyssa couldn't stop watching you. just looking at you. I wanted to keep holding your hand. all 13 of us were there with you. we weren't going to let you be alone when you passed through the valley.
but before you took your last breath, i know you heard everything we said to you. i know you heard us tell you how much we love you. you heard the bluegrass music i had playing at the bedside there in ccu. you heard Nathanael on the phone when he called to tell you that he would keep your memories alive in his heart. you heard Brendan tell you that he was so thankful for the example of a Godly man you had been to him. you heard Dad when he prayed for you as you struggled to breathe, when he buried his head next to yours, tears soaking your pillow as he told you how much he loves you. how great of a dad you are to him.
we all stood there around your bed, crying... holding your hands, touching your arm and telling you that it's okay to leave. that we'll see you again soon. Nicole stood next to you with her hand on your heart, Grandma kept kissing you and telling you she loves you. Uncle Kelly was holding your head. Uncle Bruce asked Jesus to come and get you. Aunt Rebecca assured you that it was okay to let go. Dad.... Dad just kept crying and telling you that we'd see you soon. Alyssa couldn't stop watching you. just looking at you. I wanted to keep holding your hand. all 13 of us were there with you. we weren't going to let you be alone when you passed through the valley.
but before you took your last breath, i know you heard everything we said to you. i know you heard us tell you how much we love you. you heard the bluegrass music i had playing at the bedside there in ccu. you heard Nathanael on the phone when he called to tell you that he would keep your memories alive in his heart. you heard Brendan tell you that he was so thankful for the example of a Godly man you had been to him. you heard Dad when he prayed for you as you struggled to breathe, when he buried his head next to yours, tears soaking your pillow as he told you how much he loves you. how great of a dad you are to him.
we all stayed there with you hours after you took your last breath.
it was so hard to let you leave. and then, to leave you.
now we say goodbye...
goodbye to the times you called just to see how the weather is
the countless times you called to ask me how my love life is...
and normally my answer was "the same as last time you called Grandpa"
goodbye to hearing you say all those old, funny sayings.it was so hard to let you leave. and then, to leave you.
now we say goodbye...
goodbye to the times you called just to see how the weather is
the countless times you called to ask me how my love life is...
and normally my answer was "the same as last time you called Grandpa"
the ones that we all loved to hear you say because noone says it like you do
goodbye to your warm hugs and the funny way you pull on your suspenders and tell us how we all
take after you and your good looks.
i miss you.
Monday, April 9, 2012
on strength
oftentimes when I'm going through a difficult time (which seems to be quite often these days)... you know, those certain life experiences that leave others answer-less and you sit on the phone with a friend in silence... silence that lends to a peaceful comfort acknowledging that you can't figure it out... it's just life, and we must learn to be content with not always knowing.... it is these times, when all around me seems to crumble, that others tell me how strong I am. that I can make it, to keep pressing on and trusting that everything will work together.
sometimes i want to yell back at them and tell them just how incredibly weak i feel, how weak i am. with everything in me, i do not know myself to be strong. i think to myself (as they're encouraging me of the strength they see in me) "if you only knew me.... if only you truly saw my inner struggles and weaknesses, then you probably wouldn't be saying this right now".
I came across a blog a year ago.... one written by a girl who i've known for about 3 years. she is a lovely girl who is an incredible writer... capturing the unspoken ache my heart longs for someone to hear. she wrote a blog on strength... and on those who are thought to be strong by others. today, like many days, this blog comes as a comfort.
She says:
"strong people are often great listeners, but have given up on sharing about themselves because most of the time, when they start speaking about themselves, the subject is almost immediately changed to something less heavy. and when a strong person does get the opportunity to talk about themselves, they will almost always release every sentiment they’ve held in, like a dam breaking, and will overwhelm the person.
strong people are often lonely, because although they have the tenacity to love unconditionally, they often find themselves lacking that same love in return. their relationships will be intentionally one-sided, often leaving the other person confused. strong people will not stay for long. they don’t let themselves get attached, because every relationship just reinforces the fact that nobody wants to know who they are on their insides.
[Jessica Freeman: Strong People]
so... to everyone who is encouraging the "strong people" in your life... take a minute to wait, be still and listen. Often they aren't sharing everything that's been held inside for so long. they know that it might be too difficult for you to hear, it might cause you to distance yourself from the hard issues they are facing... so they remain silent and ultimately alone.
to everyone who is strong. it's okay to be weak. it's okay to embrace the fear, the pain and the unspoken hopes... and entrust all to the One who will never leave you, who always listens and who ultimately will be your true strength. but along the way, it's okay to open up and trust a few around you who have proven that they are trustworthy. maybe one day that one will show you the strength and love you need in the right moment at the right time... the strength, reassurance and love that allows you to breathe deep again, to see to tomorrow and keep journeying through life.
"He told me... 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size... And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." :: 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11
sometimes i want to yell back at them and tell them just how incredibly weak i feel, how weak i am. with everything in me, i do not know myself to be strong. i think to myself (as they're encouraging me of the strength they see in me) "if you only knew me.... if only you truly saw my inner struggles and weaknesses, then you probably wouldn't be saying this right now".
I came across a blog a year ago.... one written by a girl who i've known for about 3 years. she is a lovely girl who is an incredible writer... capturing the unspoken ache my heart longs for someone to hear. she wrote a blog on strength... and on those who are thought to be strong by others. today, like many days, this blog comes as a comfort.
She says:
"strong people are often great listeners, but have given up on sharing about themselves because most of the time, when they start speaking about themselves, the subject is almost immediately changed to something less heavy. and when a strong person does get the opportunity to talk about themselves, they will almost always release every sentiment they’ve held in, like a dam breaking, and will overwhelm the person.
strong people are often lonely, because although they have the tenacity to love unconditionally, they often find themselves lacking that same love in return. their relationships will be intentionally one-sided, often leaving the other person confused. strong people will not stay for long. they don’t let themselves get attached, because every relationship just reinforces the fact that nobody wants to know who they are on their insides.
[Jessica Freeman: Strong People]
so... to everyone who is encouraging the "strong people" in your life... take a minute to wait, be still and listen. Often they aren't sharing everything that's been held inside for so long. they know that it might be too difficult for you to hear, it might cause you to distance yourself from the hard issues they are facing... so they remain silent and ultimately alone.
to everyone who is strong. it's okay to be weak. it's okay to embrace the fear, the pain and the unspoken hopes... and entrust all to the One who will never leave you, who always listens and who ultimately will be your true strength. but along the way, it's okay to open up and trust a few around you who have proven that they are trustworthy. maybe one day that one will show you the strength and love you need in the right moment at the right time... the strength, reassurance and love that allows you to breathe deep again, to see to tomorrow and keep journeying through life.
"He told me... 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size... And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." :: 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
when all else fails
Love knows no limits to its endurance,
no end to its trust, no fading of its hope;
it can outlast anything.
It is, in fact, the one thing that stands
when all else has fallen.”
― Elisabeth Elliot
no end to its trust, no fading of its hope;
it can outlast anything.
It is, in fact, the one thing that stands
when all else has fallen.”
― Elisabeth Elliot
Thursday, March 1, 2012
How do I love Thee? :: by Elizabeth Barrett Browning [1806-1861]
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Isaiah 1
Listen to God's case:
"I had children and raised them well,
and they turned on me.
The ox knows who's boss,
the mule knows the hand that feeds him,
But not Israel.
My people don't know up from down.
Shame! Misguided God-dropouts,
staggering under their guilt-baggage,
Gang of miscreants,
band of vandals—
My people have walked out on me, their God,
turned their backs on The Holy of Israel,
walked off and never looked back.
5-9"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged.
Your country is laid waste,
your cities burned down.
Your land is destroyed by outsiders while you watch,
reduced to rubble by barbarians.
Daughter Zion is deserted—
like a tumbledown shack on a dead-end street,
Like a tarpaper shanty on the wrong side of the tracks,
like a sinking ship abandoned by the rats.
If God-of-the-Angel-Armies hadn't left us a few survivors,
we'd be as desolate as Sodom, doomed just like Gomorrah.
10"Listen to my Message,
you Sodom-schooled leaders.
Receive God's revelation,
you Gomorrah-schooled people.
11-12"Why this frenzy of sacrifices?"
God's asking.
"Don't you think I've had my fill of burnt sacrifices,
rams and plump grain-fed calves?
Don't you think I've had my fill
of blood from bulls, lambs, and goats?
When you come before me,
whoever gave you the idea of acting like this,
Running here and there, doing this and that—
all this sheer commotion in the place provided for worship?
13-17"Quit your worship charades.
I can't stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You've worn me out!
I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I'll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I'll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you've been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don't have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless.
:: Isaiah 1 [The Message]
"I had children and raised them well,
and they turned on me.
The ox knows who's boss,
the mule knows the hand that feeds him,
But not Israel.
My people don't know up from down.
Shame! Misguided God-dropouts,
staggering under their guilt-baggage,
Gang of miscreants,
band of vandals—
My people have walked out on me, their God,
turned their backs on The Holy of Israel,
walked off and never looked back.
5-9"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged.
Your country is laid waste,
your cities burned down.
Your land is destroyed by outsiders while you watch,
reduced to rubble by barbarians.
Daughter Zion is deserted—
like a tumbledown shack on a dead-end street,
Like a tarpaper shanty on the wrong side of the tracks,
like a sinking ship abandoned by the rats.
If God-of-the-Angel-Armies hadn't left us a few survivors,
we'd be as desolate as Sodom, doomed just like Gomorrah.
10"Listen to my Message,
you Sodom-schooled leaders.
Receive God's revelation,
you Gomorrah-schooled people.
11-12"Why this frenzy of sacrifices?"
God's asking.
"Don't you think I've had my fill of burnt sacrifices,
rams and plump grain-fed calves?
Don't you think I've had my fill
of blood from bulls, lambs, and goats?
When you come before me,
whoever gave you the idea of acting like this,
Running here and there, doing this and that—
all this sheer commotion in the place provided for worship?
13-17"Quit your worship charades.
I can't stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You've worn me out!
I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I'll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I'll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you've been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don't have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless.
:: Isaiah 1 [The Message]
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
repost. Nov. 18, 2011
What is love?
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.
To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
~Song of Songs 8
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.
To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
~Song of Songs 8
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
skin deep
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My how true this is.
And how fleeting this perception of beauty the beholder tends to have
So easily distracted and pulled to the next fleeting infatuation termed "beauty"
Slowly, ever so carefully, what was once called beautiful is redefined
Redefined to suit the justification of a heart turned to another
Another, who.... has altogether become
Beauty for the eyes of the same beholder
My how true this is.
And how fleeting this perception of beauty the beholder tends to have
So easily distracted and pulled to the next fleeting infatuation termed "beauty"
Slowly, ever so carefully, what was once called beautiful is redefined
Redefined to suit the justification of a heart turned to another
Another, who.... has altogether become
Beauty for the eyes of the same beholder
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Playlist
Some days I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do.
I think "Maybe one day someone will understand"...
Daily I rise from where I've fallen, and throw myself at another desperate attempt to be known, to find complete belonging, fulfillment and acceptance.
Many call it Futile & Foolish.
I try to do everything right, I try to control my heart and who I let hold it. Even this doesn't solve the problem. I still find myself going back to the same habit- one that began a decade ago. one that seems nearly impossible to break. After all, weren't we meant to know and be known?
To draw close to someone who truly seems to understand.
Full acceptance and complete connection with another is breathtakingly beautiful.
To those who have come... and gone... you've said "I want to know you, understand you. I'll love unconditionally and never leave". I want to believe you. Truly, I do. I am finding through you that this promise is fulfilled because He abides in you too. I will trust the love that He placed in you for me.
"... but God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
[Hebrews 13:5]
I think "Maybe one day someone will understand"...
Daily I rise from where I've fallen, and throw myself at another desperate attempt to be known, to find complete belonging, fulfillment and acceptance.
Many call it Futile & Foolish.
I try to do everything right, I try to control my heart and who I let hold it. Even this doesn't solve the problem. I still find myself going back to the same habit- one that began a decade ago. one that seems nearly impossible to break. After all, weren't we meant to know and be known?
To draw close to someone who truly seems to understand.
Full acceptance and complete connection with another is breathtakingly beautiful.
To those who have come... and gone... you've said "I want to know you, understand you. I'll love unconditionally and never leave". I want to believe you. Truly, I do. I am finding through you that this promise is fulfilled because He abides in you too. I will trust the love that He placed in you for me.
"... but God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
[Hebrews 13:5]
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
pure innocence, safe trust
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back and revise all the little things you did... those things you shared out of pure innocence or safe trust, but after the fact you realize that your actions... as honest and pure as your intentions were... your actions weren't understood and caused injury through the misunderstanding of motives questioned and filters marred by the experience of your Love's past hurts.
What if we all could just communicate?
Sift through things together, as a community?
Why do we have to be such isolationists, burrowing holes deep into our hearts, shoving all our emotions deep down- hoping to cover them up with fine sounding phrases laced in spiritual overtones?
That's when those phrases turn up empty-- when you use them for your own hiding, for the times you can't reason or hope to understand the situation at hand. When you can't believe what you've been holding onto so fervently-- faith. Certain of what you hope for and do not yet see.
And this... this is when it's best said : "I don't know... let's talk about it. Let's share life-- for all it's hurts, pain, joy and amazing love. Let's share life together."
What if we all could just communicate?
Sift through things together, as a community?
Why do we have to be such isolationists, burrowing holes deep into our hearts, shoving all our emotions deep down- hoping to cover them up with fine sounding phrases laced in spiritual overtones?
That's when those phrases turn up empty-- when you use them for your own hiding, for the times you can't reason or hope to understand the situation at hand. When you can't believe what you've been holding onto so fervently-- faith. Certain of what you hope for and do not yet see.
And this... this is when it's best said : "I don't know... let's talk about it. Let's share life-- for all it's hurts, pain, joy and amazing love. Let's share life together."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Lover of my soul: Healer of my scars
I remember the first day I met Kari. Working at CFNI (Christ For The Nations), organizing worship conferences and the like, you meet alot of people that everyone else is swooning over... and yes, those super-spiritual in the Christian circles swoon like everyone else when they meet a Kim Walker, Brian and Jenn Johnson or whoever else is considered 'famous' in the Christian world.
About 2 years ago, while preparing for a worship conference, Kari came up to me, hugged me really hard and said "Nicole! I've missed you, how are you?" Yeah... she thought I was my twin sister, who was the event coordinator (aka: boss) for the worship conferences/ recordings at CFNI. But in that moment, I noticed her genuine interest and pure concern for others. She wasn't like alot (need I say ALOT again?) of the christian speakers that were invited to CFNI- the ones to thought they were too good for everyone else, who had that nasty attitude that made you never ever want to invite them back. She was true and real.
So, since then I've had this distant respect for the sweet girl who thought I was my twin sister.
Good song for the day today.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
remember the poor
it was displayed on your shirt.
stamped on the law of your mind,
written on those impressionable places in your heart.
your heart for those hurting intrigues me...
it used to intrigue me because i saw such passion, listened to such love
but now
now i am intrigued
by the display of duty
when all along those closest to you
are cut by your inaction
by the way you run away from the difficult battles
those battles that can only be won by you
the love you have to give
the hope you long to impart
won by cultivating the seeds of hope you imparted, the seeds of love you gave
but only backed away. quit. gave up. stopped.
you said you weren't willing to keep investing in something you didn't see going any further. too late.
it already went "farther". and with your arousal. your pursuit. daily. with our 3 hour conversations, our letters, our skype conversations. our talks about ministry, marriage and life, likes and dislikes. what we would do when we were finally together. you can't erase what you've already sparked to life, given permission to detailed planning.
but don't forget... remember the poor
stamped on the law of your mind,
written on those impressionable places in your heart.
your heart for those hurting intrigues me...
it used to intrigue me because i saw such passion, listened to such love
but now
now i am intrigued
by the display of duty
when all along those closest to you
are cut by your inaction
by the way you run away from the difficult battles
those battles that can only be won by you
the love you have to give
the hope you long to impart
won by cultivating the seeds of hope you imparted, the seeds of love you gave
but only backed away. quit. gave up. stopped.
you said you weren't willing to keep investing in something you didn't see going any further. too late.
it already went "farther". and with your arousal. your pursuit. daily. with our 3 hour conversations, our letters, our skype conversations. our talks about ministry, marriage and life, likes and dislikes. what we would do when we were finally together. you can't erase what you've already sparked to life, given permission to detailed planning.
but don't forget... remember the poor
Monday, January 9, 2012
Blessed are the poor in spirit....
Not many people know... and some even act surprised... when they find out that I once opened my home to a lady who was homeless on the streets of downtown Pensacola, Fl. Just recently someone heard that I had done this and was shocked. Confused, I wondered... "I thought this was what everyone would do if they could."
The experience was a life-changing one. I set out to help her... help her get a job, to find her love for the Lord again, and clear her name with the police. But she helped me. Helped me see that life and the problems that come aren't as easily recovered from as our formulas or government programs say they should be. Although we idealists like to see it as such, it's really not. Here in the West, in our individualistic mindset, we compartmentalize so many things, and people for that matter. But there's something so simple and unique about the friends I made on the streets.
It all began one weekend in the fall, I had just returned from a summer in Michigan volunteering on the weekends with an outreach called "Adopt-A-Block". I wanted to share something like this with those in Florida. So, every Saturday for 2 years, 10 of my friends and I would go down to the place under the interstate... with home-cooked meals (good meals) made from the money we'd all put together.
That first Saturday a good 150-200 homeless people showed up to the downtown park where we first decided to meet. We made fliers the previous week inviting everyone we saw on the streets who needed a meal... the word spread quickly. The police came out because the downtown store owners complained that there were so many homeless people in their park... afraid they would cause the businesses money. So, the following Saturday we moved to a place under the interstate. We would sit out there for a good 3-4 hours every Saturday, just getting to know everyone... intently listening to their stories and sharing in their laughter, and their tears. Oftentimes the guys would take the men that stayed around out to play paint-ball or go see a movie and have dinner, and the ladies would reach out to the other ladies, through bringing them home with us for the evening, finding clothes for them and a good pair of shoes.
As time went on, so many amazing relationships were forged. And in their eyes I could see hope and that simple faith, that no matter how bad things got for them, they knew with every part of their being, that God was there for them. That He would protect and care for them.Many of the men decided they were going to return to the families they had left and begin building relationships with their children and wife that they had been running from for so many years. It wasn't easy, but they resolved to know that their strength came from Christ alone and He was nudging them to reconcile and love their families.
Many of the homeless that came out to the interstate started sharing with us that there were others, those who never ventured out, who they wanted us to meet. So, the guys in our group went first, and found a whole community living in tents down on the bay- in a little place nestled away from everything. Nearly everyone was addicted to drugs and alcohol. They lived on the water, in tents, caring for one another and tending to their addictions. We would go down there on Sundays to visit with them and share a meal with them. Many weekends when we weren't studying for our college exams, we would go down and spend the night on the beach with them, have bonfires, catch fish in the bay and have fish fries with them. I remember one night it was so incredibly cold, I tried to sleep, and I think I did for a bit, but when I woke up my body was so tense from shivering trying to keep warm. There was one man down there I'll never forget. His name was Pineapple... well, that's what everyone called him because he was from Hawaii and ended up in Pensacola after his time in the military. Everyone said he would never change. That he would be down there the rest of his life....
(to be continued)...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." ~Matthew 5:3
The experience was a life-changing one. I set out to help her... help her get a job, to find her love for the Lord again, and clear her name with the police. But she helped me. Helped me see that life and the problems that come aren't as easily recovered from as our formulas or government programs say they should be. Although we idealists like to see it as such, it's really not. Here in the West, in our individualistic mindset, we compartmentalize so many things, and people for that matter. But there's something so simple and unique about the friends I made on the streets.
It all began one weekend in the fall, I had just returned from a summer in Michigan volunteering on the weekends with an outreach called "Adopt-A-Block". I wanted to share something like this with those in Florida. So, every Saturday for 2 years, 10 of my friends and I would go down to the place under the interstate... with home-cooked meals (good meals) made from the money we'd all put together.
That first Saturday a good 150-200 homeless people showed up to the downtown park where we first decided to meet. We made fliers the previous week inviting everyone we saw on the streets who needed a meal... the word spread quickly. The police came out because the downtown store owners complained that there were so many homeless people in their park... afraid they would cause the businesses money. So, the following Saturday we moved to a place under the interstate. We would sit out there for a good 3-4 hours every Saturday, just getting to know everyone... intently listening to their stories and sharing in their laughter, and their tears. Oftentimes the guys would take the men that stayed around out to play paint-ball or go see a movie and have dinner, and the ladies would reach out to the other ladies, through bringing them home with us for the evening, finding clothes for them and a good pair of shoes.
As time went on, so many amazing relationships were forged. And in their eyes I could see hope and that simple faith, that no matter how bad things got for them, they knew with every part of their being, that God was there for them. That He would protect and care for them.Many of the men decided they were going to return to the families they had left and begin building relationships with their children and wife that they had been running from for so many years. It wasn't easy, but they resolved to know that their strength came from Christ alone and He was nudging them to reconcile and love their families.
Many of the homeless that came out to the interstate started sharing with us that there were others, those who never ventured out, who they wanted us to meet. So, the guys in our group went first, and found a whole community living in tents down on the bay- in a little place nestled away from everything. Nearly everyone was addicted to drugs and alcohol. They lived on the water, in tents, caring for one another and tending to their addictions. We would go down there on Sundays to visit with them and share a meal with them. Many weekends when we weren't studying for our college exams, we would go down and spend the night on the beach with them, have bonfires, catch fish in the bay and have fish fries with them. I remember one night it was so incredibly cold, I tried to sleep, and I think I did for a bit, but when I woke up my body was so tense from shivering trying to keep warm. There was one man down there I'll never forget. His name was Pineapple... well, that's what everyone called him because he was from Hawaii and ended up in Pensacola after his time in the military. Everyone said he would never change. That he would be down there the rest of his life....
(to be continued)...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." ~Matthew 5:3
Friday, January 6, 2012
pearls
Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow; he who would search for pearls must dive below.
John Dryden: 1631 All for Love prologue
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
quotes
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
― Marilyn Monroe
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