resting

words from my Dad while he was in the hospital:

Rest

knowing who you are
the experiences you have and the Love that you've been given
have made you into the person you are today
... that is nothing to be ashamed of

You are
Whole
Beautiful
Worthy

one day someone, a good man, will love you and accept you- all of who you are and never look back

Love will come

with tears burning my eyes as you all discussed,
last night i sat there and couldn't help
but wonder if all these things we talk about...
community, Love's expression, body life
will it all ever come to pass?
will we see the fruit?
is this what has been birthed in our hearts or is this just some new idea we gather around?

how do i know this isn't just another fruitless attempt to find Him?

tired of longing, hoping and trusting in the meaningless
tired of the good sounding phrases that end up being empty
tired of pretending that i know
because i don't. i'm no better than anyone else "out there"
in the religious "system" that you are making fun of
my heart breaks
i am human like them too, so please don't criticize and condemn

the answer is Love
and as I sat there with tears streaming down
you all talked of these ideas of community, Love's expression, body life
are these simply good ideas to you or is this Love's revelation?

this is my one undying hope....
one day
Love will come
He will find us and make His home with us

i gave it away

I gave it all away And I watch you
Walk away

Time and again
I see
The last part of me
That has taken 8 years to heal, to protect and keep safe,
The piece I vowed to only give to the one who I knew, deep down, loved
Is gone

31.25

A promise given to me a year and a half ago:

"For I have satiated the weary soul,
and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.
There is hope in thine end
My people shall be satisfied in my goodness, says the Lord"

~Isaiah 31

whole and unbroken

have you ever had one of those days.... weeks.... or months
where everything that could go wrong has?
you weren't prepared for it
it just all came
crashing
down
around you
and there you are left
grasping at the pieces
desperately imagining them whole and unbroken

what does that mean anyways?
here we are east of Eden
we seem so far removed from those days people speak of
...those glory days when God walked with man.
these days I wonder.... amidst all the brokenness and tears, anger and fear-
where is God? where is His people?

i've spent many years searching for Him.
in those early adult years- naive and gullible-
truly desiring to love God and love people. to share life with them
then they use you.
...use you for their cause, their mission and their agenda
and leave you
...leave you for the new 'direction', new love and new calling
and you grasp, searching for Him in the moments your broken heart screams pain
the hours when words escape you and only tears sweep down your face
wondering where is love? where is faithfulness?

a decade later and still i'm experiencing the same results
much deeper, more painful results...
where is God? where are His people?

every day i hope for the time when all these pieces
in my hands
will be whole
when the complete hope and love i once knew ten years ago will be restored.
'til then
i remain
completely broken
************************

It's been nearly 9 months now since I wrote this and I'm seeing that although it may not "feel" like it in the moment... the Lord is with us in brokenness. He meets us here.

Jesus said: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

tired

today...
tired of investing time, emotions, energy and resources into people who end up leaving anyway.
how do you know the difference?
in the beginning.... how can you know if they will be there with you in the end?
when the project is completed, when the cause has ended, when the thrill of excitement has faded
when feelings wane and beauty fades

who is faithful? who is true?

"Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty.
Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart." ~Proverbs 3