resting

words from my Dad while he was in the hospital:

Rest

knowing who you are
the experiences you have and the Love that you've been given
have made you into the person you are today
... that is nothing to be ashamed of

You are
Whole
Beautiful
Worthy

one day someone, a good man, will love you and accept you- all of who you are and never look back

Love will come

with tears burning my eyes as you all discussed,
last night i sat there and couldn't help
but wonder if all these things we talk about...
community, Love's expression, body life
will it all ever come to pass?
will we see the fruit?
is this what has been birthed in our hearts or is this just some new idea we gather around?

how do i know this isn't just another fruitless attempt to find Him?

tired of longing, hoping and trusting in the meaningless
tired of the good sounding phrases that end up being empty
tired of pretending that i know
because i don't. i'm no better than anyone else "out there"
in the religious "system" that you are making fun of
my heart breaks
i am human like them too, so please don't criticize and condemn

the answer is Love
and as I sat there with tears streaming down
you all talked of these ideas of community, Love's expression, body life
are these simply good ideas to you or is this Love's revelation?

this is my one undying hope....
one day
Love will come
He will find us and make His home with us

i gave it away

I gave it all away And I watch you
Walk away

Time and again
I see
The last part of me
That has taken 8 years to heal, to protect and keep safe,
The piece I vowed to only give to the one who I knew, deep down, loved
Is gone

31.25

A promise given to me a year and a half ago:

"For I have satiated the weary soul,
and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.
There is hope in thine end
My people shall be satisfied in my goodness, says the Lord"

~Isaiah 31

whole and unbroken

have you ever had one of those days.... weeks.... or months
where everything that could go wrong has?
you weren't prepared for it
it just all came
crashing
down
around you
and there you are left
grasping at the pieces
desperately imagining them whole and unbroken

what does that mean anyways?
here we are east of Eden
we seem so far removed from those days people speak of
...those glory days when God walked with man.
these days I wonder.... amidst all the brokenness and tears, anger and fear-
where is God? where is His people?

i've spent many years searching for Him.
in those early adult years- naive and gullible-
truly desiring to love God and love people. to share life with them
then they use you.
...use you for their cause, their mission and their agenda
and leave you
...leave you for the new 'direction', new love and new calling
and you grasp, searching for Him in the moments your broken heart screams pain
the hours when words escape you and only tears sweep down your face
wondering where is love? where is faithfulness?

a decade later and still i'm experiencing the same results
much deeper, more painful results...
where is God? where are His people?

every day i hope for the time when all these pieces
in my hands
will be whole
when the complete hope and love i once knew ten years ago will be restored.
'til then
i remain
completely broken
************************

It's been nearly 9 months now since I wrote this and I'm seeing that although it may not "feel" like it in the moment... the Lord is with us in brokenness. He meets us here.

Jesus said: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

tired

today...
tired of investing time, emotions, energy and resources into people who end up leaving anyway.
how do you know the difference?
in the beginning.... how can you know if they will be there with you in the end?
when the project is completed, when the cause has ended, when the thrill of excitement has faded
when feelings wane and beauty fades

who is faithful? who is true?

"Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty.
Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart." ~Proverbs 3

do this and you will live

... and love your neighbor as you love yourself
... and love your neighbor as well as you do yourself
... and your neighbor as yourself

driving out of the grocery parking lot today, these words came to mind. i said them out loud 3-4 times.... love your neighbor as you love yourself. love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and love your neighbor as you love yourself.

what does it mean, truly.... what does it mean to love your neighbor as yourself? and i am even more desperate- more eager- longing to see, to experience, to show what it means.

to care for someone else just as i care for myself. just as i want to be cared for.

do this and you will live. powerful words backed with promise and truth.

Grandpa Reagan

my Grandpa Reagan is from a little town in what he calls "God's country"... it's in Arkansas. he didn't pass through the 5th grade because his mom died. he tells me that he had to go out and work the cotton fields, out with the colored folk to pick cotton for a flap-jack a day. he is a simple man and when the rest of the bible-school graduate family starts to get into religious doctrinal debates, he simply says (with a hint of irritation in his voice) "well I'll say... you all have just educated yourselves right out of the bible." he doesn't share his opinion all too much (unlike the rest of the Reagan clan), but when he does it's generally something quite simple and profound. there isn't much that gets under his skin. he says life is too short to let other people get your feathers in a ruffle. this morning i walked outside while fixing breakfast to find him changing the oil on his car. 77 years old and still changing his own oil. he knows what it means to work hard.... and he also knows what it meant to care for others. each night while we're all watching wheel of fortune (a nightly ritual around here), he gets up from laying on the couch, and asks Grandma and I if we are cold. whether we are or not, he adjusts the heat, then gets blankets to cover us both up so that we won't be cold. he truly is a caring man.

it always amazes me though when i hear him tell me how he used to be. back in his younger years after returning from the war in Korea. during the time he would work 3 jobs to provide for his wife and 4 children. back in those days he was an alcoholic. he says "yep, Grandma would go to church and when she returned home, I was already drunk." there are alot of stories that will randomly surface about the past... some telling of how he was in the bar nights after work, and others a bit telling of his anger and temper taken out on others (yes, we have Irish in our blood too)... and now as i try to imagine that man that he humbly admits is who he used to be, it is nearly impossible to think of him being that way. he is a different man. a new man. all of this he credits to first the Lord, then to my Grandma, for loving him and praying for him, even when it was difficult. they both remained faithful. faithful to loving him and believing that the man he was destined to be was so much more than the lifestyle he was choosing to live.

when he woke up this morning and came downstairs for coffee, with his teeth still out he said... "well, I get better lookin' every day!"... and that he does.

once experienced

What is love?
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.

To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. ~Song of Songs 8

1100 miles closer than 10

9 months ago today.
The start of something beautiful.
Long distance relationships are not the most desired, but this one was nearly flawless....
Proximity mattered little when it came to the safety I knew, the complete acceptance and uninhibited hope awaiting me every day... in each text, each eager attempt to spend time together.
Talking about life, about dreams, hopes and our long-awaited time 10 miles apart.
We planned what we would do, where we would go, the meals we would cook together... you'd do the cooking and I'd do the baking. Trails and new adventures we would find here in the city.
Today 1100 miles seem closer than 10.... and now distance is the only thing that doesn't seperate us.