Dad, I love you

Dad,

I just want to take this chance to say thank you.

Thank you for all of your encouraging words, but even more... thank you for your encouraging actions.
Thank you for always reminding me that I am free. I don't have to be tied to a system of thinking or believing to find my identity. My identity rests in Christ alone. Thank you for reminding me that I am beautiful and that I have an incredible, unique gift that nobody else can offer to others, and no matter what... no matter how many times my heart is hurt or situations and relationships seem hopeless... we have Love to share with others.
Thank you for waking up at 2am many nights when I would call crying about a difficult situation.
Thank you for knowing what to do:: pray with me.

Thank you for teaching me to cherish simple moments... moments like playing Mr. Bowl with you when I was 4... remember that Dad? We would put bowls on our heads and make-believe we lived in another country and could speak another language or just talk about anything we wanted to.
Thank you for taking time out of your work-week to stay home and teach Greek Mythology during the dreadful years of homeschooling (p.s. I liked your class the best).

Thank you for gathering our family together to have "family meetings" where we talked about our feelings and the things that concerned us. You showed me how to express my thoughts and concerns with others close to me.... our family. You taught me that it is okay to discuss and say what I am thinking or feeling in that very moment. You taught me that it is okay to ask the hard questions in life and you taught me that it is okay to be real and admit that I may not have it all together... because in reality, most people really don't. You taught me how to work hard, even if it means taking time out of doing what I want to do.... just so I can complete the task well and keep my word.

Thank you for showing me what it means to "seek and find".... after all the years moving from church to church... you never chose to be satisfied with the politics of it all. Dad, you are a visionary. Thank you for showing me what it looks like to be fearless. To say the things nobody else is saying, even when it cost you your job as a "pastor". You were spiritually hungry enough to literally travel the country to search for what you knew in your heart as truth, saying "there must be more".... more to the Church. You were so hungry to see the Eternal Purpose that God placed in your spirit in reality. You probably don't know this, but when you took your sabbatical when I was 8 years old and we were living in that house in Illinois, I would sit at the top of the stairs to the basement and listen to you pray during your devotional time. I would cry with you in the early morning hours when your cries for the Church to be who She is truly meant to be reached me there on that top stair. I wanted to see your burdens lifted and hear the joy in your voice again. I wanted to see the light in your eyes every day.

Dad, thank you. I love you more than words can ever express and I just wanted you to know how incredibly much you mean to me.

This quote reminds me of you...
"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer or deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiams, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither knew victory or defeat."
~Theodore Roosevelt, excerpted from the speech “Citizenship in a Republic” delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910.

Your Words

I have loved you for what seems like ages

You said you loved me too
But gradually this changed
It was odd that you kept using the same words
Did you think I would be convinced?
Your actions were heartless and your words worthless
You didn't see that your passion was gone
When you thought I didn't notice, I saw you looking for another love
My heart broke when you told me that I shouldn't be concerned

A few months have passed and you now realize what led our love to ruin
I am angry
Angry because I believed your words
My love for you was not defined or dependent upon your efforts

We are distant now
Our relationship will take time to mend
But please know that I still love you with a love that seems unfamiliar to you
This love is written in the very fabric of your being. I can see it.

Today we know in part but a day is coming when you will fully know the depth of my love for you

A love I seemed to lose

A love I seemed to lose.
Interesting, isn't it?
The ebb and flow of our relationship.

The years that passed when I felt alone, hopeless and abandoned?
Yet you never left.
You were always with me in the shadows.
Now you are in full color.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

Touch

You placed your hand firmly on my arm and then you laughed. Jovial in your expression. Fearless. Defenseless. Unconcerned with my thoughts of your motive. Unchanging amidst others judgment of your intention.

The joy in your eyes is remarkable. The gentleness in your touch is unmistakable.

Your touch gently breaks past the barriers. Your touch reaches down into the depths and with it brings Light.

Though unaware, your touch heals some broken part of me that escaped and stayed hidden in the darkest night.

The Day He Visited Us

Many people ask me what it is like to be part of a body of believers who are seeking to live by the indwelling life of Christ. I am often asked: "What do the times that you meet together look like?" I wrote this in reflecting on our meetings and hope this post conveys just a small glimpse into what I see when I meet with this precious group of people.

The Day He Visited Us

You visited us today.

 

You walked in casually - a few minutes late. We all gathered together and sang "Resting Place" ... that one song you love.

 

I looked up from where my eyes had fallen and there you were- tears gently resting in your eyes as you gazed at each of us. Even though the song was slow, I could see the excitement of a little child in Maureen's posture as you looked at her and grinned. It was as though she wished to run, throw her arms around your neck and hug you at that very moment. Then your eyes met Lon's eyes. I could see that there is a deep intimate understanding the two of you shared. You've been friends for many years- journeying through the glory and trials in the journey of life. There was s serious calm in your gaze. Meredith caught your eye and you mouthed eleven priceless words - "Meredith, your spirit is with me. You are complete in me." Her expression softened as she sang "Here Oh Lord have we prepared a resting place". Then you slowly moved to stand between Roger and Linda. Roger rested his arm over your shoulders, tears slipping down his cheeks. He remembered the quiet moments when your love saturated his. He recalled the common bond the two of you share. He continually tells us of the unending love he has for you. Thankfully you never grow tired of hearing our stories of how you have taken us and transformed us into your likeness. Mrs. Linda wrapped her arm around your waist, leaned over, kissed your cheek and whispered "I love you". Just as we sang the phrase "where will my resting place be?" a loud clap of thunder shook the house. Your gaze met Janine's and you smiled at one another like you knew a secret that can only be shared between best friends.

 

As we continued to sing the simple lyrics "Heaven is my throne and Earth is my footstool"... I heard two voices, you and Wendy's voices, just a bit louder than the rest. Together... your voice with hers and her voice with yours. Though they were uniquely distinct - they were one. Your voices harmonized, flowing in and out together - one complimenting the other like a beautiful dance. When we finished singing, you quickly moved from between Roger and Linda to face Walt and Corina. You placed your hand on each of their shoulders, forming a small circle. You whispered sweet words of hope. We all gathered around you to speak these words of encouragement to this precious couple. I didn't hear everything you said to them, but I did hear you say "Rest in ME. In my time and through my means the wildest dreams, only the dreams that I have given you, will come into reality." Then you turned and whispered in Mrs. Bonnie's ear. As she giggled her eyes lit up with delight. She reached underneath her chair and handed her poetry book to you. You opened the book to the very first page, read the poem to us, then looked up and said: "All of you may not know this, but Bonnie and I have been writing poems together to share with you for quite a while." Then you turned the page to the very last, looked assuredly at Mrs. Bonnie, nudging her to read the poem that you wrote together the night before.

When she finished, you stood in the middle of the room and turned to look at each of us. As you looked into our eyes you said:
 

    "You are the home that I am building for myself. It is not for you to strive. Rest in Me. You are completely free. Come to ME you who are weary. I am your rest. You have heard the cry of my heart - for my resting place. This is why I have drawn you - each and every one of you here together. I will build my home. Blessed are you because you are not offended on account of me. You each have searched for me- not your idea, your agenda, not your desire to mold things to your wish dream- and you have found me. I am with you. I am in you and I am working through you. I am revealing myself to you and you, my beloved bride, are my resting place."