Dear Grandpa

I miss you. Today I was missing our weekly Saturday morning phone conversations... the ones when I would roll out of bed and call you immediately because I knew you'd have been up for nearly 3 hours and ready to take Grandma out to breakfast. You'd tease and say that since she'd been a good wife that week, you'd splurge and reward her with coffee and a roll from McDonalds. We would laugh and you'd talk about the weather or how your garden was doing. Or... how Grandma had been listening to Joyce Meyer too much and had gotten caught up in the feminist movement and you needed to take her down a peg or two (lol) =]. You'd always take time to ask me how my car was running and nearly every time you asked about my love life.

I miss your simple way of looking at everything. It was simple in that charming way. You were a common man, but you had an incredibly uncommon way of looking at life and caring for others. Even if someone had upset you, you would still give them the shirt off your own back when they were in need.

I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. Usually, I would tell you first, and you'd say "You too dear!" But one day just a few years ago, you finally told me you loved me too. I was so excited! I knew you weren't one to express your emotions too much, and to me this moment meant the world! Thank you for saying that. Thank you for telling me you love me.

Miss you. See you soon. I love you.

Nischelle

remember

"Remember your first Love"

re·mem·ber/riˈmembər/
Verb:
Be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or experienced in the past).

the Light. the Hope. once poured into every part. dispelling Darkness. it's those little points of light that work in and bring relief. rest. relief and rest from what some call the dark night of the soul.

everything



sunset

One of the more glorious sights during my getaway weekend
to Pensacola Beach last week. The sky was so many shades of
lavendar, pink, bright yellow and orange.
So amazingly beautiful.

when she smiles

The worst pain for a girl is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling and sleeps, just so she doesn't have to think about it.

When she throws away the key to her heart, just so absolutely noone can come again, find it, and break her heart all over again.

The worst fear for a girl is when she hears all those words she heard the last friend say... she hears the promises that he will always be there for her, he'll cherish her heart and treat her the way she should be treated... then cautiously, carefully she trusts ... and yet again he does the same thing the others did.... leaves when it gets just too complicated, requires too much of him and asks too much.

The girl doesn't want him to have all the answers, she doesn't want him to "complete her". She just wants him to be the one who keeps his words. the words she cherished when he said he was cherishing her heart. She just wants him to sit beside her as she cries and say again "we will work through this together"

The worst pain for a girl is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling.

today we said goodbye

4/28/12 :: 5:05am

we all stood there around your bed, crying... holding your hands, touching your arm and telling you that it's okay to leave. that we'll see you again soon. Nicole stood next to you with her hand on your heart, Grandma kept kissing you and telling you she loves you. Uncle Kelly was holding your head. Uncle Bruce asked Jesus to come and get you. Aunt Rebecca assured you that it was okay to let go. Dad.... Dad just kept crying and telling you that we'd see you soon. Alyssa couldn't stop watching you. just looking at  you. I wanted to keep holding your hand. all 13 of us were there with you. we weren't  going to let you be alone when you passed through the valley.

but before you took your last breath, i know you heard everything we said to you. i know you heard us tell you how much we love you. you heard the bluegrass music i had playing at the bedside there in ccu. you heard Nathanael on the phone when he called to tell you that he would keep your memories alive in his heart. you heard Brendan tell you  that he was so thankful for the example of a Godly man you had been to him. you heard Dad when he prayed for you as you struggled to breathe, when he buried his head next to yours, tears soaking your pillow as he told you how much he loves you. how great of a dad you are to him.

we all stayed there with you hours after you took your last breath.
it was so hard to let you leave. and then, to leave you.

now we say goodbye...
goodbye to the times you called just to see how the weather is
 the countless times you called to ask me how my love life is...
 and normally my answer was "the same as last time you called Grandpa"

goodbye to hearing you say all those old, funny sayings.
  the ones that we all loved to hear you say because noone says it like you do
goodbye to your warm hugs and the funny way you pull on your suspenders and tell us how we all
take after you and your good looks.

i miss you.

on strength

oftentimes when I'm going through a difficult time (which seems to be quite often these days)... you know, those certain life experiences that leave others answer-less and you sit on the phone with a friend in silence... silence that lends to a peaceful comfort acknowledging that you can't figure it out... it's just life, and we must learn to be content with not always knowing.... it is these times, when all around me seems to crumble, that others tell me how strong I am. that I can make it, to keep pressing on and trusting that everything will work together.

sometimes i want to yell back at them and tell them just how incredibly weak i feel, how weak i am. with everything in me, i do not know myself to be strong. i think to myself (as they're encouraging me of the strength they see in me) "if you only knew me.... if only you truly saw my inner struggles and weaknesses, then you probably wouldn't be saying this right now".

I came across a blog a year ago.... one written by a girl who i've known for about 3 years. she is a lovely girl who is an incredible writer... capturing the unspoken ache my heart longs for someone to hear. she wrote a blog on strength... and on those who are thought to be strong by others. today, like many days, this blog comes as a comfort.

She says:
"strong people are often great listeners, but have given up on sharing about themselves because most of the time, when they start speaking about themselves, the subject is almost immediately changed to something less heavy. and when a strong person does get the opportunity to talk about themselves, they will almost always release every sentiment they’ve held in, like a dam breaking, and will overwhelm the person.
strong people are often lonely, because although they have the tenacity to love unconditionally, they often find themselves lacking that same love in return. their relationships will be intentionally one-sided, often leaving the other person confused. strong people will not stay for long. they don’t let themselves get attached, because every relationship just reinforces the fact that nobody wants to know who they are on their insides.
[Jessica Freeman: Strong People]

so... to everyone who is encouraging the "strong people" in your life... take a minute to wait, be still and listen. Often they aren't sharing everything that's been held inside for so long. they know that it might be too difficult for you to hear, it might cause you to distance yourself from the hard issues they are facing... so they remain silent and ultimately alone.

to everyone who is strong. it's okay to be weak. it's okay to embrace the fear, the pain and the unspoken hopes... and entrust all to the One who will never leave you, who always listens and who ultimately will be your true strength. but along the way, it's okay to open up and trust a few around you who have proven that they are trustworthy. maybe one day that one will show you the strength and love you need in the right moment at the right time... the strength, reassurance and love that allows you to breathe deep again, to see to tomorrow and keep journeying through life.

"He told me... 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size... And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." :: 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11

when all else fails

Love knows no limits to its endurance,
no end to its trust, no fading of its hope;
it can outlast anything.
It is, in fact, the one thing that stands
when all else has fallen.”

― Elisabeth Elliot

How do I love Thee? :: by Elizabeth Barrett Browning [1806-1861]

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Isaiah 1

Listen to God's case:
"I had children and raised them well,
and they turned on me.
The ox knows who's boss,
the mule knows the hand that feeds him,
But not Israel.
My people don't know up from down.
Shame! Misguided God-dropouts,
staggering under their guilt-baggage,
Gang of miscreants,
band of vandals—
My people have walked out on me, their God,
turned their backs on The Holy of Israel,
walked off and never looked back.
^5-9"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged.
Your country is laid waste,
your cities burned down.
Your land is destroyed by outsiders while you watch,
reduced to rubble by barbarians.
Daughter Zion is deserted—
like a tumbledown shack on a dead-end street,
Like a tarpaper shanty on the wrong side of the tracks,
like a sinking ship abandoned by the rats.
If God-of-the-Angel-Armies hadn't left us a few survivors,
we'd be as desolate as Sodom, doomed just like Gomorrah.
¹⁰"Listen to my Message,
you Sodom-schooled leaders.
Receive God's revelation,
you Gomorrah-schooled people.
^11-12"Why this frenzy of sacrifices?"
God's asking.
"Don't you think I've had my fill of burnt sacrifices,
rams and plump grain-fed calves?
Don't you think I've had my fill
of blood from bulls, lambs, and goats?
When you come before me,
whoever gave you the idea of acting like this,
Running here and there, doing this and that—
all this sheer commotion in the place provided for worship?
^13-17"Quit your worship charades.
I can't stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You've worn me out!
I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I'll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I'll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you've been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don't have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless.
:: Isaiah 1 [The Message]