today we said goodbye

4/28/12 :: 5:05am

we all stood there around your bed, crying... holding your hands, touching your arm and telling you that it's okay to leave. that we'll see you again soon. Nicole stood next to you with her hand on your heart, Grandma kept kissing you and telling you she loves you. Uncle Kelly was holding your head. Uncle Bruce asked Jesus to come and get you. Aunt Rebecca assured you that it was okay to let go. Dad.... Dad just kept crying and telling you that we'd see you soon. Alyssa couldn't stop watching you. just looking at  you. I wanted to keep holding your hand. all 13 of us were there with you. we weren't  going to let you be alone when you passed through the valley.

but before you took your last breath, i know you heard everything we said to you. i know you heard us tell you how much we love you. you heard the bluegrass music i had playing at the bedside there in ccu. you heard Nathanael on the phone when he called to tell you that he would keep your memories alive in his heart. you heard Brendan tell you  that he was so thankful for the example of a Godly man you had been to him. you heard Dad when he prayed for you as you struggled to breathe, when he buried his head next to yours, tears soaking your pillow as he told you how much he loves you. how great of a dad you are to him.

we all stayed there with you hours after you took your last breath.
it was so hard to let you leave. and then, to leave you.

now we say goodbye...
goodbye to the times you called just to see how the weather is
 the countless times you called to ask me how my love life is...
 and normally my answer was "the same as last time you called Grandpa"

goodbye to hearing you say all those old, funny sayings.
  the ones that we all loved to hear you say because noone says it like you do
goodbye to your warm hugs and the funny way you pull on your suspenders and tell us how we all
take after you and your good looks.

i miss you.

when all else fails

Love knows no limits to its endurance,
no end to its trust, no fading of its hope;
it can outlast anything.
It is, in fact, the one thing that stands
when all else has fallen.”

― Elisabeth Elliot

repost. Nov. 18, 2011

What is love?
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.

To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
~Song of Songs 8

skin deep

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My how true this is.
And how fleeting this perception of beauty the beholder tends to have
So easily distracted and pulled to the next fleeting infatuation termed "beauty"

Slowly, ever so carefully, what was once called beautiful is redefined
Redefined to suit the justification of a heart turned to another
Another, who.... has altogether become
Beauty for the eyes of the same beholder

whole and unbroken

have you ever had one of those days.... weeks.... or months
where everything that could go wrong has?
you weren't prepared for it
it just all came
crashing
down
around you
and there you are left
grasping at the pieces
desperately imagining them whole and unbroken

what does that mean anyways?
here we are east of Eden
we seem so far removed from those days people speak of
...those glory days when God walked with man.
these days I wonder.... amidst all the brokenness and tears, anger and fear-
where is God? where is His people?

i've spent many years searching for Him.
in those early adult years- naive and gullible-
truly desiring to love God and love people. to share life with them
then they use you.
...use you for their cause, their mission and their agenda
and leave you
...leave you for the new 'direction', new love and new calling
and you grasp, searching for Him in the moments your broken heart screams pain
the hours when words escape you and only tears sweep down your face
wondering where is love? where is faithfulness?

a decade later and still i'm experiencing the same results
much deeper, more painful results...
where is God? where are His people?

every day i hope for the time when all these pieces
in my hands
will be whole
when the complete hope and love i once knew ten years ago will be restored.
'til then
i remain
completely broken
************************

It's been nearly 9 months now since I wrote this and I'm seeing that although it may not "feel" like it in the moment... the Lord is with us in brokenness. He meets us here.

Jesus said: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

tired

today...
tired of investing time, emotions, energy and resources into people who end up leaving anyway.
how do you know the difference?
in the beginning.... how can you know if they will be there with you in the end?
when the project is completed, when the cause has ended, when the thrill of excitement has faded
when feelings wane and beauty fades

who is faithful? who is true?

"Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty.
Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart." ~Proverbs 3

Grandpa Reagan

my Grandpa Reagan is from a little town in what he calls "God's country"... it's in Arkansas. he didn't pass through the 5th grade because his mom died. he tells me that he had to go out and work the cotton fields, out with the colored folk to pick cotton for a flap-jack a day. he is a simple man and when the rest of the bible-school graduate family starts to get into religious doctrinal debates, he simply says (with a hint of irritation in his voice) "well I'll say... you all have just educated yourselves right out of the bible." he doesn't share his opinion all too much (unlike the rest of the Reagan clan), but when he does it's generally something quite simple and profound. there isn't much that gets under his skin. he says life is too short to let other people get your feathers in a ruffle. this morning i walked outside while fixing breakfast to find him changing the oil on his car. 77 years old and still changing his own oil. he knows what it means to work hard.... and he also knows what it meant to care for others. each night while we're all watching wheel of fortune (a nightly ritual around here), he gets up from laying on the couch, and asks Grandma and I if we are cold. whether we are or not, he adjusts the heat, then gets blankets to cover us both up so that we won't be cold. he truly is a caring man.

it always amazes me though when i hear him tell me how he used to be. back in his younger years after returning from the war in Korea. during the time he would work 3 jobs to provide for his wife and 4 children. back in those days he was an alcoholic. he says "yep, Grandma would go to church and when she returned home, I was already drunk." there are alot of stories that will randomly surface about the past... some telling of how he was in the bar nights after work, and others a bit telling of his anger and temper taken out on others (yes, we have Irish in our blood too)... and now as i try to imagine that man that he humbly admits is who he used to be, it is nearly impossible to think of him being that way. he is a different man. a new man. all of this he credits to first the Lord, then to my Grandma, for loving him and praying for him, even when it was difficult. they both remained faithful. faithful to loving him and believing that the man he was destined to be was so much more than the lifestyle he was choosing to live.

when he woke up this morning and came downstairs for coffee, with his teeth still out he said... "well, I get better lookin' every day!"... and that he does.

once experienced

What is love?
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.

To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. ~Song of Songs 8

1100 miles closer than 10

9 months ago today.
The start of something beautiful.
Long distance relationships are not the most desired, but this one was nearly flawless....
Proximity mattered little when it came to the safety I knew, the complete acceptance and uninhibited hope awaiting me every day... in each text, each eager attempt to spend time together.
Talking about life, about dreams, hopes and our long-awaited time 10 miles apart.
We planned what we would do, where we would go, the meals we would cook together... you'd do the cooking and I'd do the baking. Trails and new adventures we would find here in the city.
Today 1100 miles seem closer than 10.... and now distance is the only thing that doesn't seperate us.