today we said goodbye

4/28/12 :: 5:05am

we all stood there around your bed, crying... holding your hands, touching your arm and telling you that it's okay to leave. that we'll see you again soon. Nicole stood next to you with her hand on your heart, Grandma kept kissing you and telling you she loves you. Uncle Kelly was holding your head. Uncle Bruce asked Jesus to come and get you. Aunt Rebecca assured you that it was okay to let go. Dad.... Dad just kept crying and telling you that we'd see you soon. Alyssa couldn't stop watching you. just looking at  you. I wanted to keep holding your hand. all 13 of us were there with you. we weren't  going to let you be alone when you passed through the valley.

but before you took your last breath, i know you heard everything we said to you. i know you heard us tell you how much we love you. you heard the bluegrass music i had playing at the bedside there in ccu. you heard Nathanael on the phone when he called to tell you that he would keep your memories alive in his heart. you heard Brendan tell you  that he was so thankful for the example of a Godly man you had been to him. you heard Dad when he prayed for you as you struggled to breathe, when he buried his head next to yours, tears soaking your pillow as he told you how much he loves you. how great of a dad you are to him.

we all stayed there with you hours after you took your last breath.
it was so hard to let you leave. and then, to leave you.

now we say goodbye...
goodbye to the times you called just to see how the weather is
 the countless times you called to ask me how my love life is...
 and normally my answer was "the same as last time you called Grandpa"

goodbye to hearing you say all those old, funny sayings.
  the ones that we all loved to hear you say because noone says it like you do
goodbye to your warm hugs and the funny way you pull on your suspenders and tell us how we all
take after you and your good looks.

i miss you.

on strength

oftentimes when I'm going through a difficult time (which seems to be quite often these days)... you know, those certain life experiences that leave others answer-less and you sit on the phone with a friend in silence... silence that lends to a peaceful comfort acknowledging that you can't figure it out... it's just life, and we must learn to be content with not always knowing.... it is these times, when all around me seems to crumble, that others tell me how strong I am. that I can make it, to keep pressing on and trusting that everything will work together.

sometimes i want to yell back at them and tell them just how incredibly weak i feel, how weak i am. with everything in me, i do not know myself to be strong. i think to myself (as they're encouraging me of the strength they see in me) "if you only knew me.... if only you truly saw my inner struggles and weaknesses, then you probably wouldn't be saying this right now".

I came across a blog a year ago.... one written by a girl who i've known for about 3 years. she is a lovely girl who is an incredible writer... capturing the unspoken ache my heart longs for someone to hear. she wrote a blog on strength... and on those who are thought to be strong by others. today, like many days, this blog comes as a comfort.

She says:
"strong people are often great listeners, but have given up on sharing about themselves because most of the time, when they start speaking about themselves, the subject is almost immediately changed to something less heavy. and when a strong person does get the opportunity to talk about themselves, they will almost always release every sentiment they’ve held in, like a dam breaking, and will overwhelm the person.
strong people are often lonely, because although they have the tenacity to love unconditionally, they often find themselves lacking that same love in return. their relationships will be intentionally one-sided, often leaving the other person confused. strong people will not stay for long. they don’t let themselves get attached, because every relationship just reinforces the fact that nobody wants to know who they are on their insides.
[Jessica Freeman: Strong People]

so... to everyone who is encouraging the "strong people" in your life... take a minute to wait, be still and listen. Often they aren't sharing everything that's been held inside for so long. they know that it might be too difficult for you to hear, it might cause you to distance yourself from the hard issues they are facing... so they remain silent and ultimately alone.

to everyone who is strong. it's okay to be weak. it's okay to embrace the fear, the pain and the unspoken hopes... and entrust all to the One who will never leave you, who always listens and who ultimately will be your true strength. but along the way, it's okay to open up and trust a few around you who have proven that they are trustworthy. maybe one day that one will show you the strength and love you need in the right moment at the right time... the strength, reassurance and love that allows you to breathe deep again, to see to tomorrow and keep journeying through life.

"He told me... 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size... And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." :: 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11