on strength

oftentimes when I'm going through a difficult time (which seems to be quite often these days)... you know, those certain life experiences that leave others answer-less and you sit on the phone with a friend in silence... silence that lends to a peaceful comfort acknowledging that you can't figure it out... it's just life, and we must learn to be content with not always knowing.... it is these times, when all around me seems to crumble, that others tell me how strong I am. that I can make it, to keep pressing on and trusting that everything will work together.

sometimes i want to yell back at them and tell them just how incredibly weak i feel, how weak i am. with everything in me, i do not know myself to be strong. i think to myself (as they're encouraging me of the strength they see in me) "if you only knew me.... if only you truly saw my inner struggles and weaknesses, then you probably wouldn't be saying this right now".

I came across a blog a year ago.... one written by a girl who i've known for about 3 years. she is a lovely girl who is an incredible writer... capturing the unspoken ache my heart longs for someone to hear. she wrote a blog on strength... and on those who are thought to be strong by others. today, like many days, this blog comes as a comfort.

She says:
"strong people are often great listeners, but have given up on sharing about themselves because most of the time, when they start speaking about themselves, the subject is almost immediately changed to something less heavy. and when a strong person does get the opportunity to talk about themselves, they will almost always release every sentiment they’ve held in, like a dam breaking, and will overwhelm the person.
strong people are often lonely, because although they have the tenacity to love unconditionally, they often find themselves lacking that same love in return. their relationships will be intentionally one-sided, often leaving the other person confused. strong people will not stay for long. they don’t let themselves get attached, because every relationship just reinforces the fact that nobody wants to know who they are on their insides.
[Jessica Freeman: Strong People]

so... to everyone who is encouraging the "strong people" in your life... take a minute to wait, be still and listen. Often they aren't sharing everything that's been held inside for so long. they know that it might be too difficult for you to hear, it might cause you to distance yourself from the hard issues they are facing... so they remain silent and ultimately alone.

to everyone who is strong. it's okay to be weak. it's okay to embrace the fear, the pain and the unspoken hopes... and entrust all to the One who will never leave you, who always listens and who ultimately will be your true strength. but along the way, it's okay to open up and trust a few around you who have proven that they are trustworthy. maybe one day that one will show you the strength and love you need in the right moment at the right time... the strength, reassurance and love that allows you to breathe deep again, to see to tomorrow and keep journeying through life.

"He told me... 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size... And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." :: 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11

when all else fails

Love knows no limits to its endurance,
no end to its trust, no fading of its hope;
it can outlast anything.
It is, in fact, the one thing that stands
when all else has fallen.”

― Elisabeth Elliot

How do I love Thee? :: by Elizabeth Barrett Browning [1806-1861]

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Isaiah 1

Listen to God's case:
"I had children and raised them well,
and they turned on me.
The ox knows who's boss,
the mule knows the hand that feeds him,
But not Israel.
My people don't know up from down.
Shame! Misguided God-dropouts,
staggering under their guilt-baggage,
Gang of miscreants,
band of vandals—
My people have walked out on me, their God,
turned their backs on The Holy of Israel,
walked off and never looked back.
^5-9"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged.
Your country is laid waste,
your cities burned down.
Your land is destroyed by outsiders while you watch,
reduced to rubble by barbarians.
Daughter Zion is deserted—
like a tumbledown shack on a dead-end street,
Like a tarpaper shanty on the wrong side of the tracks,
like a sinking ship abandoned by the rats.
If God-of-the-Angel-Armies hadn't left us a few survivors,
we'd be as desolate as Sodom, doomed just like Gomorrah.
¹⁰"Listen to my Message,
you Sodom-schooled leaders.
Receive God's revelation,
you Gomorrah-schooled people.
^11-12"Why this frenzy of sacrifices?"
God's asking.
"Don't you think I've had my fill of burnt sacrifices,
rams and plump grain-fed calves?
Don't you think I've had my fill
of blood from bulls, lambs, and goats?
When you come before me,
whoever gave you the idea of acting like this,
Running here and there, doing this and that—
all this sheer commotion in the place provided for worship?
^13-17"Quit your worship charades.
I can't stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You've worn me out!
I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I'll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I'll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you've been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don't have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless.
:: Isaiah 1 [The Message]

repost. Nov. 18, 2011

What is love?
That which makes us grasp for more.
More of what we cannot produce on our own?
Once experienced it leaves a mark upon ones soul- an ache for more that can never be replaced.

To have love is the ache of the lonely.
To give love is the cry of the selfless.
To cultivate a life of love, I believe, is the greatest accomplishment of the human soul

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
~Song of Songs 8

skin deep

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My how true this is.
And how fleeting this perception of beauty the beholder tends to have
So easily distracted and pulled to the next fleeting infatuation termed "beauty"

Slowly, ever so carefully, what was once called beautiful is redefined
Redefined to suit the justification of a heart turned to another
Another, who.... has altogether become
Beauty for the eyes of the same beholder

be there for her

Playlist

Some days I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do.
I think "Maybe one day someone will understand"...
Daily I rise from where I've fallen, and throw myself at another desperate attempt to be known, to find complete belonging, fulfillment and acceptance.
Many call it Futile & Foolish.
I try to do everything right, I try to control my heart and who I let hold it. Even this doesn't solve the problem. I still find myself going back to the same habit- one that began a decade ago. one that seems nearly impossible to break. After all, weren't we meant to know and be known?
To draw close to someone who truly seems to understand.
Full acceptance and complete connection with another is breathtakingly beautiful.

To those who have come... and gone... you've said "I want to know you, understand you. I'll love unconditionally and never leave". I want to believe you. Truly, I do. I am finding through you that this promise is fulfilled because He abides in you too. I will trust the love that He placed in you for me.

"... but God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
[Hebrews 13:5]

imperfection is beauty

pure innocence, safe trust

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back and revise all the little things you did... those things you shared out of pure innocence or safe trust, but after the fact you realize that your actions... as honest and pure as your intentions were... your actions weren't understood and caused injury through the misunderstanding of motives questioned and filters marred by the experience of your Love's past hurts.

What if we all could just communicate?
Sift through things together, as a community?
Why do we have to be such isolationists, burrowing holes deep into our hearts, shoving all our emotions deep down- hoping to cover them up with fine sounding phrases laced in spiritual overtones?
That's when those phrases turn up empty-- when you use them for your own hiding, for the times you can't reason or hope to understand the situation at hand. When you can't believe what you've been holding onto so fervently-- faith. Certain of what you hope for and do not yet see.

And this... this is when it's best said : "I don't know... let's talk about it. Let's share life-- for all it's hurts, pain, joy and amazing love. Let's share life together."